I can hear you all saying “Hi, Jerry.” followed by light applause. Thank you.
Let me be even more honest. I sometimes let my striving for perfection stop me from making any forward progress at all. The rationale goes something like this, “If I __(write)__ and it isn’t phenomenal, then I’m not going to be happy, people won’t like it, and the overall quality of __(the blog)__ is going to be negatively affected.
Case in point. I just started a new weekly schedule whereby I actually have allotted time to contribute to my blog twice a week. However, because I got an unexpected phone call as the allotted time was approaching, I was left with only a few minutes to write and thought “Nah, won’t write today.” The problem is (in true perfectionistic form), I didn’t want to muff up my new schedule on my very first day of implementation! See the cycle?!? But I digress.
So, I’m just going to write about what’s going on in my head right now.
Tonight is “Trunk or Treat” at my church. We typically have well over 1,000 people from the community come through our parking lot, picking up treats and hopefully a healthy dose of God’s love and maybe even a “I should check them out” thought in their mind. I’m excited about my costume. It cost me exactly $1. I bought an old used work shirt from a company called “Lake Electric” that has the name patch “Justin” on it. Total blue collar look with jeans and work boots. Who am I? I’m Bieber in 20 years. My wife and I are helping with registration at the event tonight.
I’ve got a lot going on in my whole effort to shift my time around in order to make sure I’m more focused on the important rather than the urgent. Taking my cues from Mary instead of Martha. If you don’t have any clue what I’m talking about, read this.
Well, speaking of important, I’ve got an errand to run. Thanks for checking in on what may or may not be what I consider a completely “imperfect” blog post.
Ask anybody. Forgiveness is a very popular concept. We all know we need it. The idea that whatever you did can be forgiven–well, who doesn’t want that? The gospel song “Amazing Grace” is one that is widely known and loved by Christians and non-Christians alike. Let’s face it, grace rocks.
We’re headed into a season of focusing on God’s grace in a concerted and intentional way at our church. Its going to be a wonderful journey into new truths and poignant reminders of just where we stand before a holy God.
In a staff meeting the other day, our senior pastor was talking to us about what God says about grace, forgiveness, and mercy. As he was speaking, my mind went back to my college Greek class and the word for “grace”. It’s the Greek word “charis”. Many Christians define grace as “unmerited favor”, and rightfully so. But charis is so much more than a wink from God we didn’t earn.
I also made the instant connection (as our pastor was speaking) to the term “charismatic”. Charismatic has become a descriptive term used to explain a style of worship in some churches; as in, “I really love that church! Their worship services are so energetic and charismatic.” Or “That church is too charismatic for my taste.” How has a description to a style of worship hi-jacked the word that I believe should describe every follower of Jesus?!? I mean, if “charis” means grace, then doesn’t “charismatic” describe a gracious person? And shouldn’t all those who name Jesus as Lord be examples of grace on a daily, hourly, minutely basis?
I grew up in a fairly traditional Baptist church. (That’s an actual picture of it to the right.) If you’ve been reading my blog for a while now, you probably already know that my Dad was the pastor of this small church in South Jersey. And as much as I loved my church as a boy and teenager, I can tell you without flinching that we were most certainly NOT a “charismatic” church. If you raised your hand, you probably had a question. If you clapped, it was only after the duet of the elderly couple whose name I can’t remember; he played violin and she sang; both rather squeakily as I recall. And if you found yourself on the floor, the only possible explanation is that you fell. Nope, charismatic we were not. We left the snake handling to the pros.
But when we can fully understand and appreciate that the word “charis” (grace) is translated as “that which affords joy” and “blessing, concession, gift, credit”, well…things change. That last word “credit” strikes me more than any. The concept of credit is taking/using what belongs to someone else with the intention of paying back in the future. We in America know it well. Very well. Most Americans are drowning (many secretly) in thousands upon thousands of dollars in credit card debt. But because of the true meaning of the word “charis”, we who love, receive, and follow Christ are in a position of first receiving what we most certainly have no claim to on our own, and then having no expectation on the part of our Creditor to pay that amount back. Indeed, if I understand the gospel correctly, the bill of my sin credit has been paid in full by the shed blood of Jesus Christ. A popular concept I’ve heard is that “Jesus dropped the charges” when in reality the truth is “Jesus paid the charges”! Grace is the removal of the weight of my own sin from my soul and placed upon the shoulders of Jesus. Instead of punishment, I get pardon. Instead of condemnation, I get celebration. Instead of hell, I get healed.
But the transaction of receiving grace from God is only fully complete when we become the conduit of His grace. Certainly God loves you and forgives you, but only for the purpose of making you the kind of lover and forgiver that He is; not so that you can look into the mirror each morning and smile at someone who is forgiven and yet doesn’t forgive. In fact, we’re warned in scripture that if you don’t forgive….wait for it….you can’t be forgiven. How’s THAT for a loving nudge toward being a “charis-matic” person?
So, let’s not just use the term “charismatic” for that church down the road (you know the one), but let’s instead find the word useful to describe every grace-filled, fully-credited, freely-loving follower of Jesus.
If you want to read a cool experience I had 4 years ago, click here. It’s all about grace, too.
I’m sitting at a booth in a well-known local cafe’, having just witnessed something that prompted me to write my thoughts down. Hope you don’t mind.
I walked into the cafe’ and took my place in line to order, waiting patiently. A few minutes after coming in, a young woman and her son (I’m guessing 3 years old) come in and take their place in line. Without stopping, the young boy makes a bee-line to the front of the line where the pastries are displayed just-so behind a piece of glass, goes directly to the monstrously sized cinnamon buns, and begins to yell ever-so-loudly while pointing at the cinnamon buns:
“Unt Dat!”
“Unt Dat!”
“Unt Dat!”
“Unt Dat!”
“Unt Dat!”
“Unt DAT!”
“UNT DAT!”
“Unt DAT!”
“Ma! Unt DAAAT!!!”
As humans, we “unt dat”, don’t we? It’s a different “dat” for each of us. Just as an example, lately I’ve been fixated on a new TV (which is preposterous because we don’t even have cable). I’ll take any excuse to saunter through local big box stores and just stare crazily at the wall of flat screen wonderousness. Sales people approach me, “Can I help you, sir?” With a silence that clearly says, “Just leave me alone with my precious”, I don’t even bother to look their way.
And I suspect that if you’re honest–I mean with the honestly of a 3-year-old in a bakery–there’s a “dat” for you, too. I suppose “dats” are harmless in and of themselves; the harm comes when we give too high a priority to those “dats”. When we pay mental, emotional, and even financial wages to obtain our dat, to the detriment of other things and even ourselves.
Here’s the thing about that dat. It’s only dat because you don’t have it. Once you have it, it’s not “all dat” anymore. I can nearly guarantee that if I had a 60″ flat screen TV in my family room, it would hold that awe-inspiring-wonder status for no more than a half an hour. After that time, it’d be nothing more than my TV in the family room. And my mind would have to conjur up the next “dat”.
So, I need to be careful what glass I run up to, press my face against, and yell “UNT DAT!” Because that dat might become more than I bargained for, stealing away my joy from what really, truly matters.
Jesus once told his followers not to run after those “dats” that rust and decay. Instead we need to keep our eyes on the dats that DON’T rust and decay; those things that CAN’T be stolen away from us no matter what. He went on to say that we should “lay up treasures in heaven”. The idea here is that we live our lives depositing into an eternal account that cannot and will not be hacked into, depleted, or suffer loss. An account that is untouchable, permanent forever, and eternal. And when you leave this world (and all the dats with it), you’ll receive from that account what you have stored up.
I’m a stickler for integrity. Not that I’m perfect, I just have it as a goal. “Why?”, you ask? Well, for starters, God told me to be perfect because He’s perfect. Actually, that’s the starter and the ender. I know perfection is a lofty goal, but He’s a lofty God and He tends to say lofty things. Before I get too far down a side road, let me get to why I’m writing this time.
If you’re a Christian (a follower of Jesus who thinks about Him, talks to Him, sings to Him, listens to Him everyday), do you REALLY know who you’re thinking about, talking to, singing to, and listening to? Based on my life experience so far, I’m going to say that you don’t. Don’t get upset. Neither do I.
Theology is a silly idea if you think about it. We get the word from the Greek word “Theos”, meaning “God” and “ology” meaning “the study of”. The idea that we can “study God” is kind of ridiculous, isn’t it? But I do think that we would be far more passionate, far more revolutionary, far more unashamed, and far more in love with Jesus if we really thought about who God is. Call it theology if you want, but I’d rather use the term romance. You didn’t choose to love God because the set of rules looked good. You chose to love God because at some point, somewhere, somehow, He wooed you. He called you. He chased you. He found you. He bought you. He saved you.
But our worship looks more like a visit to the oil lube joint more than a reflection of the romance that is held between ourselves and our Creator. We get far more excited for football, bar-b-q, shopping, our favorite tv show than we do about who secured our eternity.
There’s a song we love to sing at the church I serve at called “I could sing of your love forever.” Its not a new song per se (as if new is good, but that’s for another blog post); and its chorus has words that go something like this: “And when the world has seen the light, they will dance with joy like we’re dancing now.” But here’s the problem: when we sing those words–out of a few hundred people in the room–not ONE person dances. Nobody even shoots a hip out. Not one head bob, not a sliding foot, no twist, no shuffle, no nothing. So, here’s what I think we should do: we should stop singing it or start dancing it.
I know its just a line in a song, but its a glaring example of our lack of zeal for Who’s in the room, Who’s on our mind, and Who’s in our heart. He’s the One who is also sustaining the galaxies by His mere thought, keeping the sun lit by His will, and Who has taken my place on a Roman cross. But to us, its an oil change. Oh, that we would recognize fully Who it is that receives our worship and more than that, how absurd it is that He actually allows us the unspeakable privilege of coming into His presence, calling Him Father, and communing with Him tenderly. Oh that we would stop treating God like He’s “getting up in age”; like He’s a resident at a nursing home that we shouldn’t get too excited or loud around. Oh, that the indignity of David would invade our staunch and stoic charade of worship and obliterate it with messy, joy-dripping, glory-shouting, I-know-whom-I-have-believed passion for the One who is in the room. Let’s dance.
I’ve been on staff in a fairly large church for nearly 7 years now. The average weekly attendance is 1200-1300. (By the way the average stay for a youth pastor is 18-24 months.) Before coming on staff at this church, my ministry “backdrop” was in the smaller church setting. I grew up in a church that rarely saw 100 people in attendance at worship services (the average church in America is 70-80 people). When I stepped foot into the lobby/atrium of my current ministry location, I must admit to a rather unspiritual thought: “Wow. I’ve made it. This is the big time.” I actually thought that moving from a medium-sized church (avg. 300-350) to a large church was some type of promotion; some type of message from God that “you’ve been faithful in little, now be faithful in much” kind of thing. I naively thought that stepping into ministry in a large church setting would be an exhilarating joy-filled euphoria. Well, not really all that, but you get the idea. Simply put: I felt great about “moving up”.
Here’s some of what I’ve learned since that first day nearly 7 years ago:
1. A bigger church means a bigger budget.
While that might sound great at first glance, I’ve learned that that’s not the end of the statement. It really goes like this: A bigger church means a bigger budget which means more pressure to meet that budget which means you’ve got to get people in the door to help support that budget which means you need to keep people coming and happy and giving. All this leads naturally to the tendency to rely on gimmicky flash rather than the power of the Holy Spirit. It also leads me to care more about progress charts than I do about people’s hearts.
2. A bigger church means a bigger crowd.
Again, this one sounds nice at first. Few and far between are the pastors/preachers who wouldn’t prefer to speak to a larger crowd than a smaller crowd. Most pastors/preachers are a-ok with a “standing room only” kind of Sunday morning. Most pastors/preachers would prefer full chairs/pews to empty ones. That’s because most pastors/preachers are human beings. But I want to make another gruesome confession to you as a pastor on staff at a larg(ish) church: I have no idea who many of the people in our church are. I mean that literally. Every Sunday I get plenty of greetings from people as I walk through the church building and I must admit that I very often have no idea of the names of those greeting me, despite my desire to know every one of them. This leaves me feeling disconnected and if I’m honest I feel shamed as well. After all, we go to the same local church. Shouldn’t I know them? Their name? Their situation?
Another danger of the larger crowd is the ease in which people can find places to go unnoticed. While our church does do a fantastic job of connecting people in small groups, the nature of the large church gives plenty of opportunity for people to attend the church for weeks, months and even years and never establish good solid relationships with anyone. I realize this has much to do with the desire and determination of the individual, but its still a reality. Have you ever been to a pet store that was selling goldfish or guppies? Go to the crowded fish tank that holds them and try and keep your eye on one particular fish. Pretty tough. Next, spin around one time (this represents the many responsibilities/activities of the pastor) and try and find that one fish again. That’s sometimes the feeling pastors/leaders of large churches have. Despite their deepest desire to gather, connect, identify with, and serve every person who attends, it often seems so very difficult. As a result, some go unnoticed; lost in the crowd. And many of those will leave.
A bigger church can more easily lean toward “corporate” than toward “community”.
Let’s not kid ourselves. When Jesus called His followers to “make disciples” (Matt. 28:19), He wasn’t calling us to create an organization, an institution, or a manufacturing entity. He called us to “make disciples”. But by nature of the sheer size of the crowds of people, the building(s), the resources, the board, and the budget, we can allow our default setting as a large church to be more corporate than community. And who wants to cuddle up with a corporation? What Jesus meant as organic and organized (the first chapters of Acts show that organization has its place), we have morphed into something organized with little semblance of a living organism. As a pastor on staff, I must constantly repeat in my mind, “People over policy”. After all, its much easier in a church this size to chant “Policy over people” because that keeps things tidy and neat rather than messy and disheveled. But organisms are messy. Even as well-meaning as I am, I can fall into the trap of making what the policy or protocol says outweigh the caring of the person God has entrusted to the ministry I lead and serve. Yikes.
So, what about some principles that might protect the large church from itself? Let me take a crack at it.
1. Spirit-led above all else. We all desire it, but often times our decisions reinforce our yearning for the control that rightly belongs to God.
2. Preach the Word. No gimmick can do what God Himself can do through His Word, the Bible. But when we want/need crowds, we’re tempted to turn the weekly worship into a spectacle of flashiness. Trust that God won’t let His Word down…because He won’t.
3. People. People. People. And not for the sake of tithes, but for the sake of eternity. God and His people are the only things that will live eternally, so it stands to reason that we not become consumed with things that ultimately will not last.
I need to wrap up this post with a declaration that I am pleased, and (can I say it?) proud to be on staff at the church I serve at. It is by no means the perfect church (which doesn’t exist anyway) but what we do is follow the Spirit of the Living God wherever He leads us. That confounds some, unsettles some, and even pushes some away but I’m glad to say though that it exhilarates most. We declare the infallible Word of God to any size crowd that shows up to hear it. And we LOVE PEOPLE. God helping us, we just LOVE PEOPLE. I can tell you that I stand with those on staff in full conviction and surrender to the God who loves me enough to allow me the highest privilege of “Loving all people into a community of Christ-like disciples.”
As I type these words, I’m sitting on the couch in my living room with just enough energy to move my fingers across the keyboard. I’ve spent the last 7 days in Kilmarnock, VA with 50 middle schoolers, 10 high school student leaders, and 10 adult leaders. The 70 of us had set out for our annual adventure to see how many people in that region we could serve, love, and share God’s grace with.
I’d like to share some of my experiences and thoughts on what was most definitely a remarkable week. We promote this week-long experience each year as “the best week you’ll have all summer”, but even that claim was outdone when one of our middle school girls came to me toward the end of the week and said, “Jerry, this is the best week of my life!”
We started the week with the plan, supplies, and manpower to attack 5 different projects at 5 different homes throughout Kilmarnock and neighboring towns. We were reroofing 3 houses, painting the outside of one house, and repairing an unsafe and dilapidated front porch and back deck of another house. But we ended up adding another reroof job and even throwing in the painting of an entire side of the very large dining hall of the camp we stayed at; a project that served as a kind of “thanks” to our hosts.
I’m usually serving as a leader on one of the worksites, and so am dedicated to that one location all week. But this year I was given the opportunity to “float” between all the various locations in order to visit, bring needed supplies, and encourage those at each site. So I spent the lion’s share of my time this past week behind the wheel of a sturdy, blue pick-up truck. I loved seeing every work crew every day and the progress being made.
The first thing I noticed was common among nearly all the work crews. There are some middle school students who seem to get right to work when a task is in front of them and there are those who seem to avoid work for as long as possible. We call it “work ethic” and it describes which side a person is on. Some seemed to not be able to get enough of the progress and momentum hard work brings, and some were completely content to sit and watch the progress happen at the hands of others. What creates a good work ethic in a student has a large part to do with upbringing and parental example. Not exclusively however, because I know many of the students’ parents and while I know them to be extremely hard workers their kids are still exhibiting the qualities of a loafer. I’m glad to say though that this is was by far the exception rather than the rule. The vast majority of our students were eager to serve the needs of others; even total strangers as was the case this past week. And it was incredible to watch.
When we returned to camp mid- to late-afternoon each day, we gave students some downtime to rest, swim, or play. Our expansive camp was equipped with a large in-ground pool, and is located on an inlet with a large dock where students could fish or just hang their feet over the edge and enjoy the breeze.
After dinner each night we had a worship service that included a time of “bragging” students could do on each other. This is a time when any student or leader could share something they saw in another person that day; something that encouraged them or blessed them. The only rule: you can’t brag on yourself.
After bragging time, we got into some worship singing and you simply haven’t lived until you’ve been in a large room with 50 middle schoolers singing praise to Jesus literally at the top of their lungs. In fact, their favorite song to sing last week was a song by a band named “Starfield” called…you guessed it…”At the top of our lungs!” Here’s a taste of that here…
After some time of singing, I was humbled and amazed to be used to deliver God’s Word to the students. This week of messages has been unlike most that I’ve delivered. Whereas I would normally have a handful of pages of typed notes to keep me on track with what I had prepared, my preparation for these messages consisted of prayer and nothing more than a few words scribbled on a legal pad. Based on the freedom this approach offered me, I may never go back.
Monday night: We looked at the 2 men crucified on either side of Jesus and saw in them 2 distinct choices we can make in regards to the cross: defiance or reliance? (Luke 23)
Tuesday night: We discussed the temporary condition of everything we see and conversely the eternal condition of all that is invisible. (2 Cor. 4:18) Then we decided if we’ll put more investment in the “pinky nail” thickness of this life or the unending line of eternity.
Wednesday night: We took a look at Peter. Peter was a loud-mouth who’d often speak before thinking. We looked at several instances between he and Jesus, but focused on Jesus’ question of Peter (and us): “Do you love me?” (John 21)
Thursday night: I wanted to attack the “critically incomplete” image that most of us have of Jesus. Think of Jesus and you’ll likely have mental pictures of a fair-skinned, hair-flowing, blue-eyed, white robe-wearing, baby blue Miss America sash-sporting, twinkle-in-his-eye Jesus. So we took a look at several instances when Jesus went ballistic. Through them all, we learned about “the other side of Jesus”. Needless to say, I had a roomful of middle schoolers who were shocked at what they heard as God blew up their view of a mind-mannered, mamsy-pamsy, milk-toast Jesus and replaced it with a wild-eyed Messiah worthy of their everything as He calls them into adventurous living.
On Friday night, I had felt unmistakably that God has put a message on my heart to share. However, I was also least confident of how the passage I was speaking on was going to connect in any way with middle schoolers. Even as I began sharing the message, I felt (humanly speaking) like this one might actually end up being a “dud”. I should have remembered that God doesn’t really care what I think He can do.He took this message and used it to pierce the hearts of so many students and before I knew it the room was filled with students literally standing to their feet in proclamation that their decision is to live louder and louder lives that scream the love of God to the world around them; that they were going to live free from what the world says they’re worth and instead stand on the truth of what God says. Students moved around the room, gathering in clusters with leaders they love and who love them to pray together and cement their commitments. Then they began to gather with each other and pray in groups all around the room. Some prayed aloud while others wept at the undeniable presence of God’s Spirit. Our high school student leaders took every opportunity to pray with the middle schoolers who they had spent the week loving and investing in. Others just sat in amazement at what was going on around them. No matter what an individual’s response to God that night, no one could deny it: God had made Himself evident. Even I couldn’t have guessed that God would have done what He did that night, especially given the passage He had laid on my heart to share: The stoning of Stephen (Acts 7).
Saturday we ended the week of messages by focusing on the utter freedom we have in Christ. That all of us were sitting on death row, waiting for our turn on the gurney when Jesus walked the hall to our cell, key in hand and freedom from it all as a gift to us. As I shared “Christians are the only people on earth who have absolutely nothing to fear!” It is us who should live as the most hysterical and hilarious people on the planet! I used Romans 8:1 as a starting point and then went to 2 Cor. 3:17, “Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom”, 1 Peter 2:16, “Live as free people…live as God’s slaves”, and Galatians 5:1, “It is for freedom Christ has set us free!” I believe many students felt chains falling off their hands and feet that night.
But I’ve always believed that while the success of a work site on a mission trip is one thing, the success of the mission trip overall is quite another. We can all see when the last shingle on a roof is nailed down. We can all see when the last brush stroke on a painted house is made. But when it comes to lasting impact, we must trust God’s Spirit to connect the dots between there and here. Even having given students follow-up devotions and things to do once they return home, we have to trust God to continue His work in their hearts as we continue to love them unconditionally with His love.
The theme of our week away was “Live Love Louder”, and I pray and hope that this is precisely what we’ll all do after having gone through this experience together. That we would live unashamed lives of the loud kind of love that God gives to every one of us.
I’ve been to 2 weddings in 2 weeks. And all 4 people involved have been through and have come out of the student ministry I’ve been leading for nearly 7 years. As a student ministry pastor, its a joyous thing to watch teenagers transform into young adults and step into the next part of their lives that God has prepared for them. And these 2 weddings were especially sweet to attend because all 4 students were also in my weekly small group Bible study. As I watched them at their respective altars; vowing before God, each other, and those watching to serve, love, honor, and cherish each other–I had memories of discussions, questions, prayers, conversations, outings, and laughter with all of them running through my mind. And I can’t lie: I cried too.
Whenever I attend a wedding, I also flash back to my own wedding. At the ripe young age of 21, I and my bride stood before God and made the covenant commitment to one another and to Him that we’d seek Him and serve each other above all else. And if you know me at all, you know that that decision is second only to my decision to follow Christ as the greatest decision I’ve ever made. Truly, my wife is an non-stop picture of God’s grace: getting what I absolutely do not deserve, but have because of the lavish love of my Heavenly Father. I look at her everyday and see the goodness of the Lord wrapped up in a package that I affectionately refer to as “The Hotness”. (She hates that name.)
And because of that truth, I’d hope that if you know me, you know me as one of the most happily married men you’ve come across. More than that, I’d hope that that’s how my wife sees me. And I suppose my daily life is quite wrapped up in showing that to anyone who cares to notice. I once heard this piece of advice in how to affair-proof your marriage: “Make your marriage so amazing that your spouse would have to be crazy to look anywhere else.” Sounds nice, right? But how? Is there a formula to follow? Well, I don’t think formula is the right word but I do think and have seen that there are some pretty obvious principles anyone can follow to strengthen the marriage they’ve got. And at the risk of repeating age-old advice, I’d like to toss a few out there.
1. I can’t think of any better preventive medicine for a successful marriage than successful communication.
Non-verbal: We’re told by sociologists that the majority of our communication is actually non-verbal. So, things like a smile when your spouse enters the room, an out-of-the blue wink at an unexpected moment, a simple “I love you” note left in an inconspicuous spot, a for-no-reason-whatsoever hug, or a loving pat on their behind as you walk by–any and all of these can clearly communicate your thoughts without saying a word. And they are peppered throughout my everyday.
Verbal: Problems arise from things like under-communication, hurtful communication, and miscommunication. Like most guys, I’m most often guilty of under-communication. There’s a terrible feeling in my stomach when I hear the words from my wife, “I didn’t know about that.” Again, studies show that women use far more words on a daily basis than men do. In short, women usually need to hear more words than men do. No secret there. But knowing something and making necessary changes to address it are two different things, right guys? Case in point: a very common occurrence is for my wife to ask me, “how did your day at work go?” My common response is “It was good.” I just gave her a 3-word answer when she’s probably looking for a 3,000-word answer. I answer the question with a summation of my day overall, when she wants to know about every conversation with every person I talked to, what we talked about, how I felt about it, what I did as a result, what I ate for lunch, if I liked it, and how many times I went to the bathroom. Instead, I give her, “It was good.” Guys, I’m not saying to act like a woman (that’d be a pretty big turn-off for your wife), but I am saying that we should recognize the need your wife has for more than she’s typically given. If she asked for you to get her a drink of iced tea, you’d be an idiot to bring her an empty glass, right? I mean it’s a good start but it’s only a start. And believe me, I’m typing these words while looking in the mirror, if you know what I mean.
2. You and your spouse need consistent rest to stay fresh in your marriage.
Our culture is set against us on this one, but we also often give up too much ground in this area as we try and fit in with social norms and expectations; to the detriment of our marriage and intimacy. Look around at the jam-packed schedules we subject ourselves to. On top of our work schedule, we’ve got kids, helping with their homework, their interests and the schedules that come along with them, our own hobbies, and other things that vie for your time and attention. This can all leave us running from one thing to the next with only enough energy at the end of the day to say “goodnight” to the person laying next to us (if they’re there at all).
Reversing schedule decisions is a difficult thing to do, especially if they’ve been around long enough to become the norm. But there’s no way to sugarcoat it: if you’re serious about having sacred space in your marriage and time to give each other attention, then you very well may have to pull out of things you’d previously given yourselves too. You’ve got to be honest when schedules start to reek havoc on your closeness as a husband and wife. Many might say “But what about the kids? They’d be devastated not to be on swim team, dance troupe, baseball, chess squad, and student government.” But what good is any of that if they have parents who barely know each other? The concept of existing for your kids might sound right to some, but its anything but. The greatest gift you can give your kids is the reality of a rock-solid marriage, and that takes a commitment to the time it takes to cultivate it. And that will pay dividends to your family that no state championship can or will.
I’ll stop here and pick this up later, but I’d love to hear your responses. And even if I’ve said something you completely disagree with or struggle with, feel free to share your thoughts.
I’m a closet perfectionist. And I’m coming out.
jerrythinks. 