To talk about the topic I want to bring up feels (to me) to be somewhat risky. The main–and maybe only–reason is because it’s rather open to interpretation and others feeling that I’m saying or thinking something I’m not. So I suppose I ought to cover this with disclaimers and caveats in hopes that anyone who reads this doesn’t receive a message I do not intend to convey. I should further say that this post will be most relevant to those who are serving in ministry, primarily full-time ministry. Not exclusively, but perhaps primarily.

I think some backstory might be helpful to establish (maybe) some of the reasons I see things the way I do, and why I find myself wrestling with those things regularly. I had kind of a weird upbringing that has shaped who I am today. When I say weird, I truly mean just that. Not bad, nothing negative, not regretful. I certainly don’t wish I had a different upbringing. I’m thankful for my parents and all they have done to show me love, teach me truth, and do their best to raise a kid into a man.

I recall that day in elementary school when everyone was sharing what their dad did for a living. (I wonder if teachers could get away with that now.) I remember the nervousness I felt when I realized that I was going to have to tell the class that my dad was a pastor, what kinds of questions I would have to hear, and how my young mind might not be able to formulate answers that really even made any sense to me, let alone anyone else. By the way, the only thing I remember from that class where I had to tell everyone what my dad did for a living was how mesmerized the teacher was that my dad’s initials are REV, since he was a reverend.

My dad pastored a small Baptist church in North Cape May, New Jersey. I remember in 1979 when we moved from North Carolina to New Jersey which to me at the time felt like moving to Jupiter. But my dad was “called” to go there, and he obeyed that call. So to Cape May, New Jersey we went; my parents, my two older sisters, and little Jerry who was just barely in first grade.

The move from NC to NJ was out of my hands. The call had come calling and my dad heard the call and answered the call. It was as if, it seems, our collective hands were tied with a rope called “calling”. What was he going to do, not answer the call? What would that say about his willingness to be obedient to God’s call on his life?

We never moved again as a family. And in case you don’t know, that’s weird (really weird) for a pastor and his family. The average stay for a pastor at a church in America is four years. FOUR. So statistically speaking, I should have moved again to only-God-knows-where in the fourth grade. Statistically, we should have moved again in 1983, 1987, 1991, 1995, and…you get it. But we didn’t. I graduated high school and left for college in 1991. My dad was still…STILL the pastor of that little church in North Cape May, New Jersey, and pastored there faithfully until 1998. That means that my dad pastored that church as long as I’ve been at the church I’m at now: 19 years. So needless to say my point of reference is that 1) pastors stay at their church for long stretches of time, far more than four years, and 2) if and when pastors move, it’s because the mighty hand of God, like a chess master moving a knight on the chessboard, deems it necessary. And much like those chess pieces, no one moves until they’re moved.

So that’s my understanding of pastoral ministry, pastoral calling, and pastoral longevity. So when I sensed and answered my own call to ministry, I had in my mind that I’d end up pastoring a little church somewhere and decades later if you chose to check on me, I’d still be there in that same place, faithfully serving. After all, that’s all I knew.

Fast forward to today. My ministry tenures since graduating college in 1995 have been the following: Church #1: 2 years (in Winchester, VA), Church #2: 7 years (in Nyack, NY), and now closing in on 20 years on Church #3 in Chesterfield, VA. And I’ve moved as often as I have when God moves me. Who’s got 2 thumbs and feels like a chess piece? This guy.

So here’s the question I wrestle with: Is that how pastoring works? Do I simply stay put and remain until such time that the hand of God pushes a door open and the voice of God orders me through it? Nearly thirty years into this life and I still wonder that. No one ever taught me otherwise, so I’ve learned what life has shown me.

Where does my desire intersect with God’s will? As a matter of principled fact, my default setting is found in Galatians 2:20: “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

So to answer that question “Where does my desire intersect with God’s will?” is the answer, “It doesn’t, silly Jerry. You’re a crucified dead man. And dead men don’t have a will.” Or is the nature of God more accommodating than that? Is the fatherly character of God to want to both lead His children and give His children the desires of their hearts? I wonder this not only for myself but also in hopes of helping new pastors or those wrestling with the idea of calling to be able to have a place to discern and develop convictions for themselves.

So my heart also knows and recites Psalm 18:19: “He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.” And also Psalm 37:4: “Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” How do these very real and very true verses from scripture jive with a crucified Jerry who, truth be told, can sometimes have a sense of stuckness, waiting for God’s next move?

Here’s where I feel I should reiterate what I started with: Don’t read into what I’m saying here. I’m not living with “the grass is greener” thoughts in my head. I’m not quietly and secretly planning anything. If nothing else, I’m transparent. I don’t have any hidden agenda. I’m not being subversive. I’m just verbalizing (typing) the thoughts I have. Especially if you’re part of the ministry I’m serving at now, don’t think “Jerry’s about to leave and this is his weird way of telling us.” Nope. That’s not true. In fact, I hesitate to even publish this one because some misunderstandings are more likely with this blog post. But again, I feel it’s a conversation worthy of having.

It may be more prevalent in my life in particular right now because of the crossroads I’m quickly approaching as a dad. Two of my kids are currently living in another state, one of them getting married in under 90 days. So naturally, I’d love to be nearer to them (and potential future grandkids). I’d love to be inside an hour away from them, not the current 8-10 hours away. But does God look at that and say, “Tough cookies, Jerry. You said yes to Me and My will, and I say you’re staying put. Suck it up, buttercup.”

Or does the nature of God provide far more leeway than that? Does following Jesus mean that He also cares for me AND my availability to His Kingdom’s work? I wonder how many pastors would respond with a resounding “You stay there until God moves you. Period.”, and how many would say, “God has blessed me and my ministry efforts regardless of where I am because He’s a good God who cares far less about geography than we do.”

Jesus said, “Follow Me.” and I don’t want to ever flip that around to me saying, “Jesus, follow me.”

What interaction does calling have to do with personal will or even…dare I say it…ambition? Make no mistake about it; my life’s ambition is to point people to Jesus. That’s it. If you attend my funeral, the eulogy can be very short indeed. If it’s true, just say, “Jerry pointed people to Jesus. Let’s close in prayer so we can get to that table of food over there.” So don’t think I’m some pastor over here with itchy desires to do something radically different. Nope, that’s not it. I just wonder where the line is–or if one even exists–between what God is calling me (you) to do and how I (you) make decisions of obedience in regard to that.

Here’s where I’ll leave it. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Not just if you’re a pastor in ministry, but if you’re a follower of Jesus. I know every follower of Jesus lives by a calling on their lives. I know calling isn’t just for pastors or missionaries. If you’ve hung in there and read this post to the end, know that that’s a big deal to me. If I can be of any kind of encouragement or help to you, just let me know.

Bonus (?): Nowhere in my formal education were concepts of discernment taught. I wasn’t given any tools in terms of developing convictions on how to understand my calling. But as I said, it’s the central issue that has determined the trajectory of my life. I hope I’m not overstating or making more of this issue than it’s due.

*I’ll include some doodles/thoughts I made years ago as even then I was grappling with this whole idea of calling, being in obedience, living practically, and making wise decisions. For what it’s worth…